Moderately Green

Am I the only 32-year-old who's still trying to find her identity in a super awkward way? I hope that my son can see me as a fun, silly, intelligent, independent, take-no-guff sort of woman. He may be young enough still to naively see that, but I'm scared that he's going to see me as the un-hot mess that I feel I truly portray on a daily basis...any day now.

Just puttin' that out there. Am I alone? Maybe. And that's okay.

To add to the un-hot messiness and my lack of real identity -- I don't identify as a librarian (although that's technically what I am, in a school setting), I don't identify as a 30-something most of the time (I'm still 12, right? Or am I 80?), I don't identify with a million other things; I only truly identify as a wife and mother -- I'm green. Er, well, I try to be green. I try as much as my oft-zapped energy will allow. And life sometimes gets in the way of that.
Thing is, seeing the levels of "green"-ness out there, it's easy to deal with the dreaded green guilt. Actually, this happens in most areas of life these days -- competition. It's mostly a female thing, it gets greater and greater when you become a mom (WHY IS THAT?! As Arrested Development's Gob would say, "C'MON!!!"), and it can get overwhelming. Soccer moms. Urban moms. Christian moms. Heck, doggie moms.

"I did *such and such*."

"Oh, yeah? Well, I did *a such and such deemed greater thing*." {Thinks to self, "I'm the best."}

It's a thing, and it sucks.

It's not always stated openly this way, but just seeing blogs and Pinteresty ideas and such things, it's hard not to get dragged down that you're not doing enough.

Like...for instance...I've failed at some of the things that a green mama might use to generally identify herself as a green mama. Our diapering situation never took a turn for the cloth. It just didn't. I used them a bit, but it never stuck. (We have used eco-friendly dipes all through, but still, I'd have preferred cloth.) Next time around, we'll do them, I swear. But it just didn't happen this time.

Baby wearing never stuck, either. Or baby led weaning. Or co-sleeping. Or probably 30 other things that the cool kids are doing. They just didn't work for us.

I try not to feel badly about it, and I'm really learning how to not feel "Less" anymore. This really is a HUGE thing for me in every aspect of life. I've had self esteem issues f-o-r-e-v-e-r, and saying "I'm sorry!" for everything has become the norm. So, I'm working on apologizing less, taking responsibility only for myself, and not letting the judgments make me feel -- you got it -- Less than anyone else. That's capitalized for good reason, by the way.  

Which is why I love contributing to Green Child Magazine. It never feels like work. I'm able to learn about topics that are directly important to me, and can often write the pieces pretty quickly out of sheer excitement. Currently, it's an unpaid gig, but that's fine to me. I'm "meeting" (virtually...do we still use that term, virtual?) some incredibly genuine, dedicated, talented, kind women in the process, and what's better than that? No, really. What's better? Good people are hard to find.
I mean, what's better than this article (written awhile back, but still one of my faves), which pretty much sums up the fact that NO ONE'S doing it perfectly. No one's living the "greenest" life. Whatever we're doing...it's good enough, until we decide to do more. At least we're doing SOMETHING.

So, I'm happy with the things I do. Which, come to think of it, are plenty.

I've chatted with y'all about green guilt before. A few times, actually. But, it's always good to return, especially now that I'm a mama...and green mamas be some of the coolest (yet competitive) ladies on earth. I'm trying just to be "enough" in my own book, and the best I can be for my family and the future of the planet.

Now, off to research essential oils. ;-)