Friday, January 27, 2012

Guilty Gertrude

Okay, that's a strange title - I'll admit it publicly, and right off the bat. But, my grandmother used to use such old-fashioned names to talk to my sister and I (Gertrude, Mildred, etc) and it reminded me of what my sister called me when I told her I was pregnant - "Fertile Myrtle". I love my family, can't you tell?

I just thought I'd share yet another self-indulgent post (I guess all blog posts kind of are self-indulgent, in a way, aren't they? Unless I'm posting one of those "what types of posts do you want to see more?" posts, which always end in "whatever you want" answers, anyway) about, what else, my feeeeeeliiiiings. I'm clearly also in a self-deprecating mood. What else is new?

ANYhoo, the real point is to let out some of the stuff that I am either a) inclined to feel guilty about, in general and/or b) feeling guilty about currently. I'm a recovering Catholic, what can I say?

- My computer usage is mad crazy. It's a tiny goal of mine (that I just came up with, ummmmmm, yesterday) to put the damn laptop away before my husband gets home. This way, I can blog all I like and stalk all the sites I enjoy, but still have a dinner with my man and listen to any day-to-day venting that he (or, of course, I) may need to spout while doing it. Mind you, it's generally in front of the TV. *cue wop-wop noise and even further guilt*
- I'm not motivated. Blame the pregnancy exhaustion. Blame my lazy-ass self. Whatever. If it's something that NEEDS to be done (ie has a deadline, teachers are showing up with students for library, bills need to be paid), I do it. How very 1990s Nike of me - I just DO it. But, when there's not a deadline (even that how-many-more-months-til-July/why-is-my-stomach-suddenly-looking-terribly-bloated deadline is so far off that I think "Eh. We've got tiiiiiime. Whaddaya worried about?"), I SUCK. The to-do list is living in my head. I'm fully aware of WHAT needs to be done. I'm just not doing it. Plus, with a husband that's all-too-understanding yet on the COMPLETE opposite side of the spectrum - can we just say he's a tad antsy to get stuff completed, and rightfully so? - I feel guiltier. If that's possible.
- I'm a meanie. A big, blue meanie. (Anyone get that reference? Anyone?) Again, this could be from the pregnancy, but, seriously, I get awfully snappy - and particularly with the ones I love the most. Er, one. My hubs. Either he doesn't notice, or he's fully able to reason to himself that my hormones must've turned me into a raging she-devil. I've GOTTA control this more. Even if it IS hormones, it's still not right. He's the person I love the most. (Not that he doesn't hear that all the time, too.) And, in all honesty, this comes out to the cats on occasion, too - that's more my temper than anything, but I've also learned to be a heck of a lot more patient thanks to all the guys in my, in a way, I'm already improving. But hormones + Irish temper = gotta be more "on top of it". ;-)
- I'm not my mom. Dude, did I really just TYPE that?! Of course I'm not my mom. Or my awesome sister. Or any of the other awesome "can work and make a house a home" type of women that I'm honored to know. I don't clean nearly enough, and I don't declutter - as a matter of fact, I do the opposite. I'm the clutterer of the household. This is NOT a trait that I want "baby" to mimic. Get on that one, Mommy.
- I want to do it all, but I can't. Or, can I? I have a solid concept of the person I'd like to be. I have examples of projects and activities that I'd like to do, and what, in life, is most important for me to focus on. But there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day, OR see my #2 bullet point above. I guess I've just gotta discover my focus.

I'm sure there are lots naughtier things that I'm feeling guilty about that would be better spending time in the confessional - white lies, jealousy, overusing the word "uber" (or using "mad" in the "wrong way") - but, for now, I'll leave you with these. Hopefully my chest lightens up a bit, but I think that's another side effect of pregnancy. *ahem*

Have a great weekend, folks!


  1. The bright side is, it will pass :)

    Although, you should see my house... you wanna see clutter. My husband say's I keep "stuffing 50lbs of crap into a 30lb bag."

    Part of me actually thinks that if I didn't work from home, the house would be neater.

    Try not to let the guilt get to you. You're growing a baby. You get some hormone/mood/bitchy freebees :)

    1. Thanks for the perspective, Sarah. I love your husband's saying! (Not that it's a good thing - I don't want to be blamed of being an enabler, hee hee.) I hate to take "freebies" when I know people who handled being pregnant way better; I guess that's part of where the guilt comes from. ;-) Thanks, again!!